I’m sure many of you have been stuck in a suffocating relationship. Whether it be romantic, friendship, motherhood, academic or professional; it can be overwhelming. If you have no idea how to fix it, leave it, or just bring yourself back; this can lead to some pretty stupid or harmful decisions.
This comes from a place of love. I don’t judge you. I am you.
I pushed off medical and dental appointments for years. I let my fitness blow away in the wind. I consumed copious amounts of garbage to try and rid myself of the anxiety and stress. I gained 30 kilograms, lost all of my friends, changed careers, and moved halfway around the world. I poured energy into a blackhole of a person and forgot my friends, hobbies, family, and dreams. I nurtured something at the expensive of myself…until I broke.
There will always be people who say, “…that’s what marriage is..” or “that’s what motherhood is…” or “…that’s what life is..” but I disagree. Nobody should tell you mediocrity is the best to hope for and that happiness is unachievable. Love is not standing in the way of someone’s dreams. It is holding their hand as they race towards them.
Happiness is not life’s purpose, but it doesn’t mean that life can’t be fulfilling and satisfying. You can’t be happy all day every day, but you should feel daily happiness. If you don’t, something needs to change. It begins and ends with you.
I can’t blame the neglect I inflicted on my body, heart, and soul on anyone else. And neither can you. We can only forgive, move forward, and hope that with each day our light shines a bit brighter.
While cleaning out my computer, I found a piece I had unknowingly penned for myself:
In certain situations, especially long term or difficult ones; we often establish a different pattern of behavior in order to manage our pain. This pattern of behavior becomes our coping mechanism, our armor, and the newly established familiar, or comfort zone.
In all cases, this is not a bad thing. A difficultly could cause extra prayers to become a habit, supplication to become frequent, and bad deeds to fall to the wayside.
However, it is all too common to adopt indulgent behaviors as a way to survive something challenging and to hold on to those activities long after the trial has ended. Endless hours of sitcoms, gallons of ice cream, and ages of Facebook trolling are too often the antidote to the trials and tribulations of our time.
You might ask…so what? I’m not bar-hopping, club-hopping, or bed-hopping; I’m not doing anything wrong! Well of course there are worse habits to turn to in times of difficulty; but life is not about “getting through it” or “getting by”.
“And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.”
Surat l-dhariyat 51:56Trials and tribulations are golden opportunities for the development and improvement of our souls. Are we taking advantage?
Too often, we use behavioral crutches as ways to “get through” our tough experiences instead of learning from them. By burying our heads in the sand and numbing ourselves through the pain, what can we really change? Is it truly beneficial to use non-productive behaviors to “coast” through a difficulty?
“For each one are successive [angels] before and behind him who protect him by the decree of Allah. Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. And when Allah intends for a people ill, there is no repelling it. And there is not for them besides Him any patron.” Surat Ar-Ra`d 13:11
When faced with difficulty, it is easy to ask, “Why me?” It is even easier still to keep your nose to the grindstone without looking up, but what are the rewards? Trials are a time for assessment, analysis, and above all submission to the will of Allah (SWT). You can fight against your destiny all you want; but it is coming.
Every difficulty, every step you take, every breath was written. God has orchestrated your path for you and only you. It might not look the way you want it to, but it is irrevocably and irreversibly your own. Submit to it.
“Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested.” Surah Al-Ankabut 29: 2
It is easy to think you are above your destiny and become attached to the very behavior that is keeping you in a problems way. By digging your heels in, your inflexibility has become your very captor. Sometimes we become so entangled in our own view of the future that we cannot see that our vision has become a roadblock. If you are trapped in a room only searching for a door to walk through; all the windows, air ducts, and gaping holes cease to become your escape routes. Allah will always provide a way out. It just might not be a way that is easy to swallow. If you choose not to accept that exit, then do not be surprised when your trial does not dissipate.
“Among the people there is one who worships Allah right on the edge. If good befalls him, he is content with it, but if a trial befalls him, he reverts to his former ways, losing both the dunya and the akhira. That is indeed sheer loss” Surat Al-Hajj 22: 11
We do not know what is best for us. Free yourself from a world in which you cannot accept your fate. Misery will always know your address if you cannot accept what Allah has planned for you.
So you thought you were “supposed to be doctor”, or “supposed to marry that girl”, or “supposed to get that job?
Get over it.
“Your Lord creates and chooses whatever He wills. The choice is not theirs. Glory be to Allah! He is exalted above anything they associate with Him!” Surat Al-Qasas 28:68
Allah has something better for you, if only you would open your eyes to receive His bounty. The proverb “Trust in God, but tie your camel.” is typically uses to illustrate that God helps those that help themselves and to illustrate the aspect of choice within destiny. Yes, we do have choices to make and goals to work towards. We cannot simply ride the wave of destiny limp and lifeless. However, we cannot trust in God if we tie our poor camels so tightly they cannot move. Allow yourself to lean into hardship, let it envelop you and toss you around and spit you out. Let go of what you thought life was supposed to be and start trusting the path whittled by Al-Hadi (الهادي)
♥
You are an awesome writer . I just gobble it all up.
Gail
♡♡♡♡ thank you so much
Greetings from Los angeles! I’m bored at work so I decided to browse your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I enjoy the information you present here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m amazed at how quick your blog loaded on my phone .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, awesome blog!
Alhumdolillah! agree that we should try and seek happiness in life rather than accepting doom. I tend to to take the view that we should say “why not me”. What is so special about me that Allah won’t test me? Would I not be special if he tests me? Often people that do wrong will never be tested because they have no desire to change so Allah (swt) won’t test them but lull them into a false security. Those that are true believers will be tested so that they can show Allah how much they believe. In Shah Allah.
This is an eye-opened. And you are right, many a times we become complacent and let life go forward without you going forward.
It is so important for us to take charge – even when it seems like we cant! We need to!
We have very few scars of happiness, in fact we very rarely learn from piece. We learn our lessons from pain, from hardship, from trauma. We should instead count our blessings over counting our problems. This is a hard pill for even me to swallow as I am the most optimistic person there ever was. Thank you for this beautiful post – it really puts into perspective how everyone is fighting their own battle.
http://www.nmdiaries.com
Agree with this point “God helps those that help themselves”. Really nice article. 😇 loved reading this article…
You know I’ve been told we aren’t supposed to be happy in this world as it’s only temporary, but why can’t we have a little happiness? We all need a pick me up &that usually starts with picking ourselves up!
Fantastic article – this really hit home and I needed to read this today.
We are really in control of our own hapiness! Thank you for sharing this!
This is a great write up…totally agree with this: ‘Nobody should tell you mediocrity is the best to hope for and that happiness is unachievable.’
I no longer will just ‘put up with it’
You have a brilliant gift of writing; there’s so much to takeaway from this post. Sometimes we tend to become rigid and try to control everything so much that we lose sight of the fact that He is the only one who is in complete control of things. “They plan, and Allah plans. Surely, Allah is the Best of planners.” – The Quran 08:30 (Surah al-Anfal)
You’re so right, it’s not okay to just get by, it’s important to be able to live. And to “trust in God, but tie your camel,” speaks so much to me.